My Oscar Speech
Like most people, I have imagined myself accepting an Oscar. I’d wear a wine-colored tux. My smile would be gawky and uncool. The speech would mix flummoxed charm with earnest incredulity and include at least one choked up Shout-Out to my parents.
It would end with a whispered ‘Thank you’ as I clutched the eight and a half pound golden statuette with both hands and stumbled my way backstage to face the gaggle of journalists and at least four embarrassing moments that would eliminate any goodwill winning the award just gave me.
It’s a harmless fantasy, or it was until this year’s Golden Globes. It could have been the trickle-down cynicism of host Ricky Gervais but this was the first year I’ve ever looked at the pomp of an awards show and thought, “There are millions of children living in poverty throughout the world, several countries accepting Despots and Dictators as leaders, our planet is dangerously hot, and there’s a virus that’s scorch-earthing its way around our planet which could fundamentally change our way of life forever...Why the hell am I sitting here watching creative types dress up and compete?”
It’s not an original thought. You can find several million think-pieces explaining why the Oscars or any award ceremonies don’t matter. (Here’s one. And here’s one that reeaaally believes it. And here’s one that thinks it but can’t quite commit.) And I am not, in most ways, a shallow person. (I do love Marvel movies though. And this song has brought me to tears three or six times) But this response exposed a previously suppressed glitch in my personality. I want to be a Good Person concerned with Important Things but an Oscar is an award I would love to win. It’s my narcissism run amok, so firmly planted that I could sooner give up my love of S’mores than part with it.
I know I should have been aware of this glitch sooner, but I wasn’t. So I wrote an Oscar speech that reflects this awareness. In order to make it work, I had to mess with my context. In this scenario, my son Connor is an adult and the Academy nominated 6 actors for Best-Supporting Actor. So the nominations are as follows:
Tom Hanks - A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
Anthony Hopkins - The Two Popes
Joe Pesci - The Irishman
Al Pacino - The Irishman
Brad Pitt - Once Upon a Time...In Hollywood
Robert Weinstein - A Father in Three Parts
INT - Dolby Theater, Los Angeles, CA - Evening
(REGINA KING, resplendent in a royal blue, over the shoulder, sparkling ball gown, graces the stage. She has just announced the nominees for the category of Best Actor in a Supporting Role. She smiles as she opens the envelope, pleased with the knowledge that someone’s life might be about to change, just as hers was one year earlier after winning Best Supporting Actress for If Beale Street Could Talk. She lifts the envelope flap, pulls out the card, looks at it, smiles genuinely, looks at the audience and announces-)
REGINA KING: And the Oscar goes to...Robert Weinstein, for A Father in Three Parts.
(Camera focuses on ROBERT WEINSTEIN, 49 years old, white - of course - and kind of frumpy. He wears the wine-colored tuxedo he wore at his wedding and smiles in total disbelief. He gets up in a daze, kisses his wife - EMILY HELFGOT - presses foreheads with his son - CONNOR WEINSTEIN - and makes his way to the stage, accepting handshakes along the way. BRAD PITT wraps him in a Bear Hug because the two have become good friends during the lead-up to the awards. Tom Hanks offers a handshake and whispers something to ROBERT which makes them both laugh. ROBERT stumbles up to the stage into the arms of REGINA KING who, by means of a hug, stabilizes him and reminds him to take a deep breath and enjoy the moment. She places the statuette in ROBERT’s trembling hands and leads him to the microphone for his acceptance speech. ROBERT’s hands and knees shake throughout his entire speech.)
ROBERT WEINSTEIN: Wow. (fidgets) Wow. (Robert wipes his forehead with his palm and spreads the sweat onto the lapel of his tuxedo jacket.) Wow. (He takes a deep breath as the applause subsides.)
Okay. Wow. Um, the rehearsal people said winners had forty-five seconds so I have to make this quick. This is the last thing I thought would happen but Tom Hanks and I had a bet so he made me come prepared. (ROBERT reaches into his inside pocket and pulls out a stack of crisp $50 bills, one for each member of the orchestra and three for the conductor. They shake in his trembling hand) I hope the people keeping track of time and members of the orchestra will accept this bribe to give me the extra seconds so I can find my feet. (Looks directly at TOM HANKS - who he absolutely worships - and does a quick bow of the head.)
First off, I have to thank Connor for putting me in the movie. Taking a father who hadn’t acted in twenty years and felt uncomfortable walking on camera took guts. Our producers pushed him hard to fire me until the second to last day of shooting. The fact that he didn’t makes me proud to be his father. And the fact that he never made me walk during my scenes makes me respect his intelligence even more than I already do.
I’d also like to thank the producers for not firing me. I didn’t know what Connor had either until he showed us the first cut so your backing off was a leap of faith I’d be stupid not to acknowledge. The story of a failed, vengeful father played by a mostly seated man is not the stuff of box-office gold or Oscar glory, so thank you for trusting Connor’s vision.
I’d also like to thank my wife Emily. You are everything that is best in life. Thank you for coaxing me through the fear of disappointing my son and ruining his movie. Acting with you helped, So did the make-out sessions in our trailers.
(ROBERT looks at the orchestra) Are the bribes still in effect? (Members of the orchestra nod) Thank you. I think I’m almost done.
To my fellow nominees: To say that I worship your work, is not close to being an overstatement. Your movies and TV shows have been a part of my life for as long as I’ve had a life, and to spend the last month eating, drinking and socializing on the studios’ dimes has brought me an absurd amount of happiness. Your insights, perspectives, and compassion for your work and your lives have been a master class in humanity. So much so that I fear the immediate days following this one will feel empty without your company.
(The orchestra starts to play)
ROBERT: Oh (bleep)! Oh (bleep!).
(ROBERT raises his hands and shouts over the music.)
ROBERT: Tom!! TOM!!!
(TOM HANKS flips two stacks of crisp $50 bills fly onto the stage. ROBERT catches one and misses the other. He scrambles to pick them up and flashes them to the orchestra. The orchestra immediately stops.)
ROBERT: Whoa. Quick. Thank you. (ROBERT pauses, then laughs.) I can’t remember what I was saying.
EMILY HELFGOT (yelling from her fifth-row seat): YOU’LL FEEL EMPTY WITHOUT THEIR COMPANY.
ROBERT: Yes! Yes! So It is no exaggeration to say that I share this prize with you. The generosity you have shown to me and my family over the past month - has been astonishing. I am the novelty of this year’s awards season but your accepting me as one of your own has been one of the highlights of a truly weird life.
When I watched these awards shows as a kid, and even as an adult, it was easy to get caught up in the competition. I always had a favorite actor or actress or director or pictures. It seemed innocuous because everyone does this but only in the last month have I understood how silly that is. (ROBERT points to the orchestra, who have begun picking up their instruments to play). Wait! WAIT!
(BRAD PITT bounds onto the stage with a suitcase. He opens 4it and dumps several stacks of crip $50 bills into the orchestra pit. The Orchestra immediately stops playing. BRAD PITT gives ROBERT the thumbs up and returns to his seat.)
ROBERT (truly touched): Creating competition between actors or writers or directors or editors is like creating competition between flavors of ice cream: they’re all amazing and provide different levels of satisfaction. I’ve also found that rooting for one makes you like the others’ work just a little bit less. And in times we live in, it would behoove us to find as many things to like and love about each other as we can.
So my fellow nominees - upon my honor - when I get home, I’m going to bring this statuette to my father-in-law Bob’s maker shop and have him laser it into five pieces.* If you want an arm, let me know now. If you want a leg, claim it soon. And once that’s done, I’m going to invite each one of you to my home for dinner so we can celebrate.
(ROBERT looks to the balcony) Mom, Dad? I couldn’t get you good seats but you didn’t complain and you never do. This is for you.
(ROBERT clutches the eight and a half pound golden statuette with both hands and looks at them and smiles. He mouths) Thank you.
(ROBERT stumbles offstage toward the gaggle of press as the orchestra finally plays.)
*I wrote this post two weeks before Bong Joon-ho said this same thing, about cutting his Oscar into five pieces to share with his fellow nominees. I am in good company.
